Thursday, March 31, 2005

Time...Diary Dec 2004



I appear to have all the time in the world, lounging, writing, pausing to sip from a cup of chocolate cappuccino, which, by the way is excellent - thick and frothy with a strong espresso kick.

It's cold and dark outside as it often is in mid-December. Time goes by. People move in and out with wild assortments of hot drinks and pastries. The neon art deco clock on the wall does a lazy circle.

It's warm inside and I've got nothing going today for hours, so I sit here thinking about the hands of this clock and that I have all the time in the world. Don't we all?

Long before art deco clocks graced our existence, people used the hourglass as a measure of times passing. The more I think about the two, the more appealing the hourglass becomes.

The hourglass does something the clock does not - it tells me the truth. As the last granule of the hourglass falls, time has run out just as surely as my final nerve impulse will one day make its final leap of faith from one synapse and find no one at home on the other end.

The watch, on the other hand, goes round and round like the wheel of reincarnation, and frankly, I have a hard time with this pleasant dogma. Many of my friends believe this, (and I'll admit it has a certain appeal to me as well), but I think it appeals to me in much the same way that I would rather read the comics or the sports page instead of the front page. It lacks a certain hard edge.

The world may spin like a clock hand through space, but those of us who live on her do otherwise - we are born, and then live until we die.

* * * * * * * *

At other times and place, necklaces, talismans, amulets., bracelets, rings, and the like were thought to possess spiritual power and significance. In our post magic society, one of the few talismans left which we all share is the watch.
"Don't worry about having a bad day, Maugham", says my next door neighbor as he rakes his leaves. "Tomorrow is a whole new day".

"Look at your watch," he says, still looking down at the pattern of leaves he's been working.

"Okay, so it's 6:30", I say.

"At 6:30 tomorrow morning you can come back as anything you want," he says. Then stopping, he looks up at me with a smile and says, "You can be a new man. Think of your potential!"

I like my neighbor, and I appreciate his optimism. He loaned me his crystal pyramid last spring but the only revelation I got is when I accidentally sat on it.

We talk about unlimited potential, and we look at our watches, always feeling that tomorrow will come - until it doesn't come for us and we realize (if at all) that we we'll never again see the big hand on the five and the small hand sweep across the twelve.

We've taken our last spin, and it's over.

* * * * * * * *

A friend of mine had just gone through a divorce, switched jobs and had moved twice in eight weeks. He woke up one morning in a fog and couldn't remember who he was. The room looked strange, but he didn't panic or even feel that uneasy. The only thing he could think of was that he should find his watch and that it would tell him who he was.

He stumbled into the kitchen, where he found his watch next to the espresso maker. He looked at the digital readout expecting some answers. It pulsed 7:12.

* * * * * * * *

Of course there are a wild bunch of new personal watches, including those with digital cameras, infrared linkage to your PC for personal data, an upcoming cell-phone watch, and watches that will monitor many ridiculous bodily functions.

There are also bitchin offerings like the Suunto S6, a snowboarders watch with altimeter, barometer, compass, chronograph and a descent log which can be downloaded at the end of the day.

I'd buy one, but I am waiting until they combine all it's functionality with the Suunto Stinger, a dive watch so you can go the opposite direction. It has three dive modes (including nitrox ready, so you can dive just short of what Ed Harris did in The Abyss) and a 36 hour dive log.



But it's not just about Bond-like functionality. It's also about your life.

Another new company has a series of watches that keep track of all your loved ones through GPS satellite tracking. Not only does their wrist-riding technology give you real-time street locations, it will even alert you if one of your significant others falls down, for more than a minute, or has a rapid increase or decrease in body temperature.

The company claims this was created to track older people who wander. Personally I think it's for tracking younger people, or wandering spouses, who have a tendency to fall, for more than a minute, and then experience rapid increases in body temperature.

* * * * * * * *

What's next? you ask.

The next quantum leap in portable time pieces is the LifeWatch; a digital watch which is interfaced to its owner's biological clock. The LifeWatch has a twelve digit display, which features the amount of time left of life and then ticks down, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.

SEE ABOVE and LOOK Close.


Because it is tied to its owner's biological clock it responds to helpful and harmful stimuli. Executive models have a little face. This face should be kept smiling at all times. If it begins to frown it's because the owner is engaging in life depleting activities.

Think of how this changes things! What would happen if every time you had your usual four egg on toast breakfast with Jimmy Dean sausage your LifeWatch frowned and dropped down four hours?

Think of the implications of going on a New Years Eve bender and instead of waking up two days later missing two days, you were missing three weeks!

On the positive side, what if after a three mile run you actually gained four hours? That would change a few things, wouldn't it?

All of this would give new meaning to the term, "saving face".

Now admittedly, the LifeWatch only monitors general health. It cannot predict accidents, acts of God and all the other stuff that can happen to shorten your lifespan (that's coming in Casio's ChronoNostroDM5 sometime next year…they are not sure when).

So, you can go out, and using the LifeWatch as your guide, painstakingly earn a few more years only to suddenly choke to death on your vegan-tofu-turkey loaf at the Thanksgiving table in front of your whole family (your LifeWatch just going ape-shit the whole while!).

But that gets back to the hourglass idea. The two are similar; it's just that the LifeWatch is more expensive and more interesting at parties. ("Hey gang, look over here. Biff just lost three weeks eating these little cocktail weenies! They must cause cancer, eh Biffie?!" That sort of fun.)

Think how differently we view things, telling time by the clock as opposed to the hourglass.

The hourglass reminds us to ask about the quality and meaning of things. It invites us to examine where we began, where we are now, and reminds us that there is always an end. Posted by Hello

Saturday, March 26, 2005

CoffeeHouse Diary #1


The Coffeehouse is now open. Grab a cup o joe and enjoy.

November 1986
Naming Names

I admit I have a ridiculous name, but I’ll explain that in a bit, because before I can I have to write about the weird phenomenon of “naming”, because human beings are, as far as I can tell, the only animals that name things.

When I was a kid a went to Sunday School a few times. I don’t remember much. I remember the pastor’s daughter was real cute and liked to flirt. It was so innocent and made me feel weird inside, but in a happy way. I’m pretty sure the only reason I came back for a few months was to see her.

The little Bible lesson that day was on the initial innocence of Adam and Eve and something about “naming of the animals”. I guess God would bring the creatures around and the humans would name them and whatever they named them, that was it and even God had to live with the word “platypus”.

As I walked home I thought about two things back and forth…the girl’s innocent and sweet smile, and about all the pets in the neighborhood and their names and how we make up words. I had no idea, at the time, how complicated and dangerous both of those could be in the adult world.

But let’s assume, for the moment, that there was either an Adam and Eve, or at least at some point along the way some evolving human beings began it assign “meaning” to their grunts and mouthings and this primitive “naming” stuck and became normative among them.

Obviously some mistakes were made. I mean “ostrich” sounds like what you look at when you see one, but what about something like “pig”?

How can you use a tiny word “pig” to describe a 600 pound swine. “Swine” is not even big enough. Just say the word a few times. It just doesn’t fit does it?

It’s like a one-word oxymoron, and you’re not supposed to be able to do that. “Pig” sounds more like a very small rodent or a type of bird.

Of course, that’s just in English. But it’s notable that Ambrose Bierce, in The Devil’s Dictionary, defines “slang” (a different type of naming) in a derogatory way as “The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory.”

But what’s up with that Ambrose? Certainly “Pigoramus” really fits the animal better than the tiny word “pig”.

Apparently the devil has no sense of humor.

To continue, click here

Posted by Hello