Answers One: The Revenge of the Lobster

This one came from Mitzzee:

Dear Maugham,

What's your favorite tourist attraction?

Well, Mitzzee, that is an easy one. I do not always do so well on the really high velocity rides, so I like something tamer, like Star Tours at Disneyland.

Unfortunately the last time I went it was only 18 hours after a dinner of lobster in Mexico and after waiting for 7.5 hours in line for Star Tours, I started to feel lower-intestinal issues, kinda like how the Sarlac must have felt three weeks later after ingesting Boba Fett.

Anyway, we got in and the Lobster struck back! Right there in my favorite attraction: Star Tours.

As the ship dipped and swerved I realized I was doomed. The Lobster had reached up and grapped my intestines with his claws and he was tearing them to pieces and creating a giant proton torpedo in my gut which he was preparing to fire with glee.

I could hear the rumblings down there as the Lobster cursed after the first shot (which I somehow blocked (I am trying hard not to be too graphic here).

"It's away!"

"Negative...it didn't go out...it just impacted on the intestinal wall"

I was sweating profusely and those strapped next to me started to look worried and like I might be some sort of wierdo. They were, of course, my own children, but they are very smart.

As our ship dipped down and went into the trench for the final attack run, the Lobster also made his last attack run. He turned off his navicomputer (I have no idea how he got that thing down there...must have been hidden in the refried beans) and grabbing what was left of my insides and shot one more time...

Again, I do not want to be too graphic. Let's just say that my seat belt snapped abruptly and I did a great imitation of an Apollo Moonshot right there in the Star Tours space shuttle.

People were screaming and as the ship rocket back and forth, the droid operating the ship closed the front shields and fled.

After stages three four and five I was sure I would die and the Lobster would have exacted his revenge.

But suddenly all became silent. I fell unconscious in a toxic fog.

Men in orange Haz-Mat suits stormed the empty shuttle and dragged me to safety before quarantining the entire area, including the gift shop.

I am now permanently barred not only from Disneyland, but also from parts of Mexico.

Next!