CoffeeHouse Diary 10: Death to all Sequels 3

"ah that feels better..."

The Original Face versions
Star Wars remains the same, but The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi are completely re mastered with actor Mark Hamill's original "before-the-crash" face morphed onto his character's body. These versions will not only replace the "pug-faced Luke" that Hamill's plastic surgeon created after his car crash, but may answer the question, "How come Harrison Ford gets $5 million a picture while Mark Hamill is doing voice-overs for Batman cartoons?"

The Realist Version
Normal movie conventions are set aside in the Realist Version. For example, could aged Obi-wan really fight Darth Vader long enough to cause a diversion? The Realist Version goes like this:

Vader: I've been waiting for you Obi-wan

Obi-wan: You can't win Darth, If you strike me down I shall...

PAPHHHHHISSSSSSTTTTT! With a flash of Vader's lightsaber Obi-wan is disintegrated.

There is no diversion, and as Vader steps down on Obi-wan's empty cloak the rest of the rebel party are quickly arrested. Han gets shipped off to Jabba in an overnight bag, the Droids packed off to the spice mines of Kesstle, Luke joins the Dark side and leads a rout of the rebellion forces (in exchange for 18 years of back allowance his father has neglected to pay), and Chewbacca becomes a throw-rug under the Emperor's mantle.

The only problem with the Realist Version is the outcome. With no one left to fight and conquer, the Evil Empire has nothing left to do.

Vader: What is thy bidding my Master?

Emperor: I want you to wax the Shuttle.

Vader: It shall be done as you command, my Master.

Two days later.

Vader: I have finished waxing the Shuttle. What is thy bidding, my Master?

Emperor: I want you to clean all the windows of the Death Star!

Vader: You are indeed evil, my Master.

In the final scenes we find Darth in his boxer shorts, popping Hoth-filtered Tuscan Pale Ale, and channel-surfing through the 37,000 channels on the Death Star's satellite array while muttering about the good old days of the Clone Wars.

While some of these DDRAS versions may be questionable, every one of them is better than a typical sequel. And if you still doubt me, rent Highlander 2: The Quickening, and watch it (and Christopher Lambert and his new and immortal extra 30 pounds) alongside the new 10th Anniversary DDRAS of the original Highlander.

I don't know. You tell me.